Dear BJ Novak,
About two weeks ago you were in town signing your new hilarious book, "One More Thing," and we met. To be fair, you met a lot of other people that night too, when you were also signing their books, but what made me unique was the fact that I gave you a card for my blog and now you're reading it!
(Side note: These cards may or may not have been purchased for the explicit purpose of giving one to BJ Novak at his book signing. I may or may not have 499 of them left to give out. Why would you buy 10 for $10 when you can buy 500 for $14.99? Yes please, upgrade!)
I meant to post this post thanking you for reading the blog immediately, but right after the book signing I was pretty tired. Then I decided that really I should give you enough time to peruse the blog like a normal person so you could decide if you liked it or not on its own merit; not on the fact that you were getting a personal shout out for reading it.
Then work got really busy, and I was out of town for a few days, but anyway, I digress. The important thing is that you're here now and that you obviously love the blog or you wouldn't have come back.
Now we can begin our collaboration. Hooray!
First, I think we're going to work really well together because I can relate to you and to the life I imagine you have, based on no facts and only my imagination.
You have achieved the exact level of fame to which I aspire. Which is to say, that most people have no idea or just a vague idea of who you are. Please don't be offended by this. Moderate fame is the best kind. You can still probably go get a beer without being overcome by paparazzi, but you've been in A list movies and were nominated for an Emmy! Fantastic!
Also, you'll probably get more famous now that your amazing book, "One More Thing," is out. Plus, you've still got the whole paperback circuit to go, so there's lots more publicity for this thing.
I really don't know if we're going to be great writing partners yet, but I imagine we're going to find each other incredibly funny, and will enjoy bouncing ideas off of each other. In fact, if you're working on anything and want me to take a look, just let me know. You know, just shoot it over. I'll be waiting.
Look, I know we just met, and when we did you were signing something for me and then I awkwardly thrust a sweaty, half crumpled Vistaprint card at you (thank you for taking it by the way, that was very nice), but I really think there's some synergy here.
I realize that right now, I have everything to gain from this relationship, and you are basically extending your good graces for a total unknown. But, someday Ryan, I mean BJ, after your extremely well written and witty commentary on our generation, "One More Thing," is in its 25th edition; when you have introduced me to Lena Dunham, Steve Carell, Quentin Tarantino, Ira Glass and Tom Hanks and they are all my friends too; when I have my own book tour for my hilarious and equally poignant and witty commentary on our shared generation, you will look at me and be so glad you took that card.
I don't exactly know why yet, and I don't exactly know how, but I do know without a doubt, you will be very glad you got that card. That card that changed your life.
And if not, whatever dude. I don't need you anyway.
Next week's post: Dear Mindy Kahling, You are so pretty and funny! That's probably why everyone likes you way more than BJ Novak!
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