How to Lose Something and Find It Again, Hopefully

I am a mess.  Not a metaphorical mess, or an emotional mess, but an actual mess of a person.  I do not pick up after myself.  I forget that I left things in conspicuous places and then surprise myself when I find them in those places later.  When I take off a pair of shoes, it’s as if they vanish from my consciousness never to be retrieved again.  They disappear.  Until I trip on them in the night and am shocked that they are there- on two different stairs- when I don’t even remember going upstairs that day.

Things also actually disappear away from me.  I was once sitting in my sister’s car and literally had her keys in my hand one second, and then a breeze blew through the car and they vanished!  I am not kidding you, they vanished from my hand, and I have really big hands for a girl.  They were there one second and then, poof, disappeared into the ether.  I did not drop them.  

I lose things quite often.  In fact, I’m sorry to say, I lose at least one thing every single day. 

Most of the time it’s just for a short period, and I’m able to cope until the object is found or just do without it for a while.  “Where is my cell phone?  Well, maybe I’ll go to the bathroom and it will materialize when I return.”  

Sometimes though, it is a larger object of more significance, and the loss time is far greater.  

For example, here is a list of significant things I have lost in recent history, some of which my husband is not aware that I lost, probably until reading this. 

1. Watch purchased by my husband for our anniversary (total loss time, approximately one week.  Found in the couch cushions).

2.  Diamond necklace purchased by my husband for our first anniversary (total loss time, two weeks.  More to come on the find).

3.  My iPad (recovered a week and a half later at a Wahoo’s Taco Shack in Boulder, CO where I had been having lunch a week and a half earlier).

4.  My computer- the very computer on which I now type (total loss time, four days).

5.  Two children whom I was babysitting (I actually didn’t lose them, but did forget to pick them up from school for about two hours which is just as bad as losing them).

“How does this happen?” you may ask.

“Does she not care about her things?” you may ask.

“Is she a heartless bitch/Alzheimer patient/crazy person?” you may ask.

The answer is I don’t know, maybe.

Sadly, I have always and will always lose things.  I have accepted this.

So, I’ve come up with a fool proof coping mechanism that has seemed to work rather well.

Here it is, for your approval, The Guide to Finding Almost Anything.

Step 1:  You haven’t lost anything at all.  I know this sounds very Zen and existential, but really it’s more of a form of self-delusion that will allow you to put off panicking about the lost object for quite an extended period of time.

Say, for example, you cannot find the diamond necklace from your husband that was given to you on your wedding anniversary.  It’s not lost, you just can’t find it right now.   

Not to worry because it’s around here somewhere, and you really didn’t want to wear that necklace today anyway.  Plus, it’s not lost. 

Step 2:  Do not look for the object.  Looking for the object admits to the Gods of Lost Things, that you believe this object is lost, and then they will hide it better.  

So, do not look.  Do not look for several days.  Do not go searching through your jewelry box, or looking on the little hook by your bathroom mirror where you normally keep necklaces.  No! 

The next time you happen to be in your jewelry box anyway, say tomorrow or the next day, then you can casually observe if the necklace is there, but no searching desperately through every drawer!

Anyway, it’s not really lost.  It’s probably some place that isn’t so obvious.  It’s probably at your mother’s house.  Which brings us to:

Step 3:  Begin casually observing less obvious places in case the object happens to be there.

You were at your mother’s house last week, maybe you wore it then and took it off for some inexplicable reason, and you just don’t remember doing that.  It’s probably at your mother’s. 

You can call your mother and casually mention that you aren’t missing a necklace, but could she maybe look around and let you know in the next day or two if it’s there?

Your mother will most likely panic and turn her house upside down looking for the object.  Do not let this alarm you.  

The object is still not lost, and it’s probably not at your mother’s anyway, and you should probably just keep an eye out for it in your car, and the office, and probably the backyard. 

Step 4:  It Might be Lost, Maybe.  If you still haven’t stumbled upon the object at this point, you may be tempted to allow the hot, sticky feeling of panic to creep up your spine that causes your upper lip to perspire.  

Don't do this!  It’s still not totally lost; however, now might be the time to clean out the jewelry box.  

A warning though, even at Step Four, you must still keep a very low profile and tell as few people as possible that you are looking for something, especially if those people are your husband.

Step 5:  Say a prayer to St. Anthony, even if/though you are not Catholic.  If you don’t know about this, allow me to fill you in on The Prayer to St. Anthony.  St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost things, I believe.   Hold on, let me Google that for clarification.  Yes, that’s correct.  

According to Wikipedia “St Anthony is venerated all over the world as the Patron Saint for lost articles, and is credited with many miracles involving lost people, lost things and even lost spiritual goods.”

I can attest that he has performed several small miracles on my behalf in the finding of lost things, and while I have never evoked him to help me find lost people or spiritual goods, it’s good to know that he also specializes in that. 

So, what you do is stand still in a room and say, “Dear St. Anthony, please look around, something’s lost and can’t be found.”  And that’s it.  I also like to picture the item that’s lost and sometimes say something like "It’s a necklace.  You know the one from 2009?”

Step 6: Contemplate buying the lost object again without anyone finding out. 

Step 7:  A. Realize that’s like lying and know you cannot do this.

Step 7B. Realize the object is too expensive and you can’t afford to buy it again anyway. 

Step 8:  Give up.  At this point, you have lost all hope and are back to Step 6 or Step 6A which is the same as Step 6, except that now you realize you will probably have to tell your husband you lost the necklace before you re-buy it so that you’re not a bad person.  You have to really have given up to contemplate Step 6A. 

So, you gather your strength and prepare for the inevitable, but then…

Step 9: You miraculously find the object!!  I don’t know why, but this is always how it happens.

It was in that crappy overnight bag you never use except when you did use it last week and stupidly put a diamond necklace in the front zipper!

You cry, you are flooded with joy, you will never, ever let the object out of your sight again!  You will wear it every day!  FOREVER!  You say another prayer to St. Anthony!  And all this time it was RIGHT THERE…in that front zipper wrapped in a little ball of toilet paper so that you wouldn’t lose it! 

Now you are freed up for a while and will probably go at least two weeks until you lose something else of equal value.  Say, your car, or your dog.  Don't worry though, you now have the coping mechanism to find it.  You're welcome.