Are You Trying?

There are times in life when certain questions touch a nerve.  They're a little too personal and are asked by someone who isn't close enough to you to be allowed to ask it.  I call these, “Old Lady Questions” because often they are asked by old ladies your family has known for years but with whom you are not necessarily well acquainted.  

They are not limited to old ladies though.  They are sometimes asked by coworkers, people you have just met in line at the grocery store and- the worst- random people at parties who have just accomplished the thing they are asking you about so that they can feel superior if you have not yet accomplished the thing too.

When you’re single, the question is “When are you going to find that someone special?”  This is a pretty good one because it implies that you have some control over this situation and are just being stubborn about the whole thing. 

There are only three possible reasons why a person would be sans special someone: a).  They do not want to be in a relationship and are enjoying their personal freedom b).  They desperately want to be a in a relationship, but due to circumstances outside of their control, have not found that person or c).  They recently broke up with a person they used to find special.  

Whatever the reason, thanks to the OLQ, the person has now been made to feel like a mutant person for not finding his/her sole mate in an acceptable amount of time.  They will surely die alone.

Things don’t get better once you’ve found that special someone.  The question morphs into “When are you two going to get married?”  Again, there are very few possible answers, and none of them are fun for anyone.  

Answer possibilities include:

1. Never, and thank you for your judgment. 

2. Maybe some day, but we’re both enjoying where we are right now, but thank you for forcing this topic on us. 

3.  Unfortunately, that is not allowed in this state, but please write your congressperson and let’s get this changed!  Thank you!

4.  Welllll, one of us really wants to but the other one is having some sort of issue, and now we’re going to fight as soon as you walk away, thank you. 

Never is the answer “Oh my God!  I’m so glad you reminded me!” (drops to one knee) “Tiffany, I’ve been meaning to ask you, but have just been forgetting.  Will you marry me?  Thank you, acquaintance, for your help!”

Unfortunately, once you clear the marriage hurdle, you're not really in the clear.  I am now in what may be the worst stage of Old Lady Questions, “Are You Trying?”

“Are you trying?” is a follow up to “do you have kids?” which in and of itself is not an OLQ.  “Do you have kids,” while not necessarily all that interesting, is perfectly acceptable.  It’s in the same category as “What do you do for a living?” and “Where did you grow up?”  Boring, but acceptable.

The follow up is where the true horror of OLQs comes into play.  Are.  You.  Trying.

Basically, I am being asked if I am having sex.   Not only that, why isn’t it working?  How is one to answer this question?  If I say yes, then I'm saying “Yes, I’m having lots of sex but very unsuccessfully as I am not currently with child.”  If I say no, then I must be a horrible monster who doesn’t want children and is wasting her eggs as her biological clock ticks closer toward middle age.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been asked this question a lot recently.  I mean, at least once a month.  So, I’ve started for formulate equally inappropriate answers.

“Oh yes, and we’re having SUCH a good time.  Would you like to join us?”

“Before I answer, how much sex are you having?"

“No, we hate babies,” and then I punch them and run away.

I know that people are not usually trying to be assholes when they ask, but this of all the questions, could have a backstory that is maybe just a little too personal to talk about over groceries.  Not everyone wants kids, not everyone can have kids, or maybe we are trying and it’s been really, really hard.  What’s going on with your ovaries, lady?

What I do understand is that people want to make connections with other people.  Everyone wants to find commonality and figure out a new person, even if it’s just a little.  And frankly, no one wants to be weird and awkward at parties.  

But, let’s all agree that OLQs are not the way to go.  Okay?  Can we do that?  Instead, let’s have a little more sophistication and ask a new breed of icebreaker.  Because, really, after the baby question, then what?  When are you going to have another baby?  When are you going to retire?  When are you going to die?  No one knows, and really, do you care?  No.

Let's ask about something people care about.  Like which superpower they would have, or their thoughts on pandas versus koalas in terms of cuteness, or who would win in a fight between a grizzly bear and a hippopotamus.  These are things people care about.  These are things people want to know.