Type A

I wouldn't say I'm an anxious person, but other people might say I'm an anxious person.  Unfortunately, having given birth and now being responsible for another human has not helped my anxiety decrease.  I know that all moms worry, but I think my worrying is starting to get bad.

Example things I have worried/continue to worry about (and this isn't the whole list):

1. The baby is too hot at night (SIDS risk)
2. The baby is too cold at night (having a cold baby risk)
3. The baby is not getting enough food/I am not producing enough milk/I am drying up
4. The baby is not burping enough
5. The baby's head will be flat and she will have to wear one of those baby helmets
6.  She will suffocate in the night on:
-Her swaddle/wearable blanket (which is specifically designed NOT to suffocate babies)
-The mesh bumpers we have on the bassinet (which are specifically designed to be breathable as to NOT suffocate the baby)
-Boogers in her nose
-The air

7.  She will slip while I'm bathing her
8.  I will fall going up or down the stairs with her
9.  I won't sterilize her pacifiers/the pump parts/her bottles/everything well enough and she will get a disease and die
10.  Someone will sneeze on her and she will get a disease and die
11.  The dogs will lick her and she will get a disease and die
12.   I will die/Brad will die/she will die/anyone I know will die
13.  She will scratch herself with her razor sharp little finger nails that no matter how hard I try to keep trimmed grow back in literally one minute like magic baby claws.  Damn it!
14.  She will grow up to be a Republican

My mom once told me that she has a theory that there are Type A Moms and Type B Moms, and that she was always a Type A.  I thought "Oh, I'm for sure going to be a Type B Mom.  I'm just going to be chill and calm all the time."  I don't know why I thought this because I'm a Type A person and need spreadsheets for the vast majority of things that I do, but I thought it.

Turns out, if you're a Type A person you'll probably be a Type A Mom.  

Sometimes I wish I could be more like some of the Type B moms I know.  They are so much more relaxed, and their babies are perfectly happy and healthy.  I once watched as a Type B Baby played with the Type B Mom's car keys- her actual sharp, dirty car keys- for literally 45 minutes.  It wasn't like the mom was ignoring the baby, she jingled the car keys and interacted with the baby, but her baby was playing with car keys.  I was crawling out of my skin, but both the mom and the baby were perfectly happy.  

I think there's a big lesson in that: kids are tougher than we think, and they are okay 99.9% of the time, and worrying won't help either the mom or the baby.  And I should relax.

BUT what about the 00.1% of the time that the mom should have worried and didn't?  That's when disaster strikes.

That is why I must buy the mesh bumpers and secure them to the crib as tightly as possible.  That is why I must double check the bath water temperature before I place my baby in her whale shaped baby bath tub that got very good Amazon reviews for safety.  That is why I will go into her room three times before I go to bed to make sure it's not too hot and not too cold.  Because I am a Type A Mom, and these are things I can control.

I cling to them because soon, very soon, she will be crawling, then walking, then going out on dates with that loser kid, Chad, who clearly has no ambition (because she's having to borrow my car because he can't be bothered to take the class to get a license), and he's wearing way too much body spray, and I can't tell her how much I hate him because then she'll just want to date him more so I'll have to let them go out on their date, but by God she better be home by 10:30, and that's not 10:31, Ma'am.

That is why I will remain vigilant, knowing I will never again have the ability to relax- especially if she has my car keys.

What is...the most interesting thing I could come up with, Alex.

Along with my new mom hobbies of taking a shower, walking to the mailbox, eating while standing up and pumping, I have now become quite the avid fan of Jeopardy!.  It's on right around the time we have our afternoon feeding.  I'm super lucky because there are two episodes that run back-to-back; one at 4:00 and one at 4:30.

The one at 4:00 is called "Daytime Jeopardy!," and the 4:30 one is just regular Jeopardy!.  I don't really understand the distinction as they are both Jeopardy and both very much during the day.  The first one is a rerun (I know this because Alex is mustachioed, and in real time he is sans mustache), but I feel that "Daytime Jeopardy!" is a confusing way to tell viewers they're watching an old episode as it conveys no information regarding the recency of the episode.  But, I digress.

I like watching Jeopardy! because it makes me feel like I'm learning something while I'm feeding the Baby Ninja and not just mindlessly watching home improvement shows or the Food Network.  Even though I only know about 30% of the answers (unless it's Kids' Jeopardy, at which I rule), Jeopardy! still makes me feel like I've made a good, adult TV choice.

I've also learned a lot about the show itself.  For example, the voice of Jeopardy! is Johnny Gilbert.  If you've never seen Johnny Gilbert, you really should- he is a fabulously preserved human: The Official Johnny Gilbert Website  

I've also learned, and I love this rule, "Contestants must wait until the host finishes reading the clue before signaling; doing so before this point locks the contestant out for one-fourth of a second."  I just LOVE that!  It really speaks to the self-control the contestants must exhibit.

There is one thing about Jeopardy! that I do not love, and that is the portion of the show right after the first commercial break where you "get to know" the contestants.  It's terrible.  

No one EVER has a good getting to know thing.  It's always something really, really dumb.  Here is a real example, and please know that I could not make this up:

Alex:  And playing today is Shannon, who tells us she has something in common with Anne Boleyn.  She once slept in the Tower of London!

Shannon:  Yes, Alex, last year I visited London with my mom, and we toured the Tower of London.  Well, I was so jet lagged, that I fell asleep on her shoulder on a bench in the Tower!  Hahahaha!

WHAT?!  No.  Just, no.

Worse than the really dumb stories are the really dumb stories that take forever and are not funny...at all.

Alex:  And today we have John, who tells us he had an interesting time on a plane once.

John:  Yes, well once I was flying to China with five of my friends, and I’m really nervous when I fly because one time when I was seven I had a bad experience on a plane.  So um, I took some sleeping medication to help me on account of me being so nervous.  So, the flight was like 18 hours, so um, I took the medication, and when I woke up I looked out the window and saw the moon, and I said to my friends “The moon is so bright!” and they all laughed because it was actually the sun!

That was real.  I'm not kidding, that was a real thing that someone thought was the most interesting thing to say about themselves on TV.  Even Alex was uncomfortable.  Usually he makes some remark after the story, because he's a nice man, but after that one he just said "Okay!" and moved on.

Because of these nightmare scenarios, I've thought long and hard about what I would say if ever I were on Jeopardy.  The sad thing is, I really don't know how much better I'd do.  If you take job and family off the table (and no one ever really talks about their job or family for some reason), it's kind of hard to think of something else that is amusing and can be told in 20 seconds.  

"I have two cats and two dogs." "I garden...sometimes.  Mostly I just kill plants."  "I can change a poopy diaper without getting poop on the baby's clothes most of the time!"  At this point, I'd probably end up talking about breastfeeding.

Which actually...when you think about it, I'm keeping another human being alive with my body!  I mean, that's pretty nuts.  I grew a human in my body, and now I'm keeping it alive with my boobs.  

So, maybe that's what I'd say after all.  "Yes, Alex, I have the ability to feed another human with my boobs."

I be ol' Johnny Gilbert would get a kick out of that!

There are crumbs on my baby's head

I'm back!  Well kind of.  Basically, the Baby Ninja is sleeping more, so I can write some.  No guarantees on frequency, but I'll do my best.  Also, this is not now a "mommy blog."  There are thousands of those.  However, just like this wasn't a pregnancy blog, but I was pregnant so I blogged about it, I'm a mom now and that's pretty much what's taking over my life right now.  So, while this is not a mommy blog, I will blog about being a mom- among other things.  Hopefully, I will amuse you.  So, with that... 

I've been a mom now for almost two months, and here are the things I've learned so far:

1.  When I'm hungry at 2:45 AM, and the baby has just gone back to sleep, the best place to eat a granola bar is in the closet.  That way she can't hear me open it...or chew it.

2. When getting in bed at 2:47 AM after eating the granola bar, the baby will know I just got in bed.  And she will wake up.

3.  The vacuum is magic.  It cleans the floor and lulls babies to sleep.

4. There is freedom in the baby sling.  Wear it, and you too can leave the couch and eat lunch.

5.  While eating said lunch with baby in said sling, inevitably some food will drop on the head of said sleeping baby.  This is why sandwiches are allowed and molten Mac 'n Cheese is not.

6.  Because of this eating situation, I have found chocolate on the baby, in my bra and on the couch.  I know it's chocolate and not poop because I always taste it; a risk I wouldn't have fathomed just two short months ago.

7.  Everyone always talks about not being able to take a shower.  I can take a shower every day, if I want.  I just may not be able to go to the bathroom, eat or sleep if I take that shower, but I can shower if I so choose.

7a.  Food > Shower; Sleep > Shower; Shower > > > Laundry

8. It's okay to cry.  

I cried a lot in the beginning.  I cried today.  I cried because the parents on "Frozen" die and I didn't want any parents to die, ever...especially Brad and me.  

I cried because I was taking a nap and was going to miss one hour of her life.  I cried because I was listening to Pandora and Garth Brooks' "To Make You Feel My Love" came on.  I cried because I thought the dogs looked depressed.  I've cried because I'm tired, sad, scared, happy and for no reason.  It took me a while to not feel bad about this, but moms cry, and it's okay.

9.  It goes fast.

10.  It's so, so worth it!  Just like the Inuits have many words for "snow", I think there should be another word for the love of a child.  Love isn't strong enough.  It's love, but it's fear, hope, frustration, joy, excitement, exhaustion, worry, happiness, and every other emotion I've ever felt wrapped up in a little person.  It should be called "Super Love" or "Mega Love."  

Or maybe I've just not known love until now. 

Can we get these people some underwear please?!

Hello all.  Dixie here.  Due to Stella recently giving birth to her first child, she has taken some time away from blogging to focus on her new mothering duties.  Now, it would be rather unfair to you, the fans, to just leave you hanging while she figures out the new mommy thing.  So, Stella has lined up some guest bloggers to entertain you while she is temporarily away from the blogging scene.  (Actually, I think I'm the only one so far- so if you'd like to contribute, email obviousninjablog@gmail.com .  For more information on being a guest blogger see the previous post, "Calling All Writers")

First, some background on who I am.  I am Dixie, Stella's younger cousin.  I am single and I live alone, so naturally I have a lot of time to watch TV.  During my many hours of TV watching this summer (yes, I am fully aware of how lame I am), I have recently come across a show called "Naked and Afraid". 

For those of you who don't know what this show is, it is a survival show.  People volunteer for this show to prove their survival skills.  One man and one woman, who have never met, are dropped off in some extremely remote wilderness completely naked!  They are each allowed to bring one man made item with them, many choose something like a fire starter or a machete (obviously).  Once they are in the jungle, or wherever it is they are dropped off, they have only each other and their one item each to survive for three weeks.

I can understand why someone might want to prove they have what it takes to survive with practically nothing, but come on, must they be naked?  

I have discussed this issue with others who also watch the show and some say that more people will be interested in watching the show if people are naked.  To this I say, everything interesting is blurred out anyway so it's not like you see anything. So that theory is out the window. 

Someone else said that being naked makes withstanding the elements tougher.  I can agree with that one to an extent.  There was a guy on one episode who got so sunburned he couldn't move.  Obviously, if he'd had clothes they would have protected his skin from the sun; however, I argue a pair of tightie whities would not have helped him.  And then he wouldn't be naked.

I don't think that a simple pair of underwear and perhaps a sports bra for the woman would be that beneficial to their survival.  It would provide minimal protection from the sun, and would not help keep them warm.  I would not think any less of a survivalist if they survived while wearing only underwear as opposed to being completely naked.  I mean, let's be honest, that's just gross and unnecessary. 

Ladies, I know how good if feels to get home after a long day of work and take that bra off, but nobody needs those babies flopping around 24-7.  And while I have never been a guy, I would suspect that they don't need their junk openly flopping around either.  Plus, being completely naked leaves you vulnerable to anything crawling in and up any crack and crevasse you didn't even know you had!

Bottom line is that there is absolutely no reason for the people in that show to be completely naked. No reason.

Thank you.

The Mommy Wars

I'm finding out that being a mom is going to be a lot like all the other things in life where people have varied opinions about everything and feel that because they have been through a similar experience (or not), they are entitled to judge and/or give you unsolicited advice (see the previous post "Are You Trying" for further illuminating examples).  

I'm learning that because someone else had a kid, they are pretty much going to tell you something about you having a kid and how it will go for you.

Case in point, for some reason as my due date gets closer I have been asked many times by a lot of moms a variation of "So, you'll get an epidural, right?"  Or, I'm just plain told "I assume you'll have an epidural."  I don't know why this comes up so much or why people care, but it does and they do.

When I say "Well, we'll see how it goes, but I'm going to try for a natural birth," there is an immediate reaction.  I've had everything from laughter (I'm not kidding, two people have laughed in my face), to "Oh, well good luck, you're going to need it." 

Or just a pitying look that says "Oh you dumb, naive girl.  Just wait, you don't know what you're talking about."  So much judgement for a topic I didn't even bring up!

My second favorite mom-to-be/new mom topic is working out.  Apparently, we are to have "no excuses" about working out when we're pregnant, and even fewer than no excuses about getting our bodies back after the baby.  I recently stumbled upon a "No Excuses Pregnancy Workout" on Pinterest (I know, it's my fault for being on Pinterest) that included:
-Run or Walk 1/2 Mile
-12 Bicep Curls
-12 Dips
-12 Shoulder Presses
-12 Lateral Raises
-Run or Walk 1/2 mile
-20 Lunges (R/L = 1)
-20 Calf Raises
-20 Plie Squats
-30-40 Second Wall Sit
*Repeat 2 Times

The background picture is a pregnant woman kick boxing and not making any excuses.  So fierce.

WHAT?!?!?!

Who is the person that made this up?  Who are the people who do this?  Maybe I could do this if I wasn't pregnant.  Maybe.  I don't go to CrossFit though, so I don't know my limits or how hard I can work EVERY DAY, NO EXCUSES!

I'm not saying that I'm a couch potato, and exercise is important during pregnancy, but holy cow, does it have to be such a beat down?  

Look, if you're into working out and that's your thing, cool.  Do all the stuff on that list.  What really bothers me is the title.

Does "No Excuses" imply that if you can't do this- all of this- then you're somehow not good at being pregnant?  Hello, you're pregnant, that's not an excuse, it's a reality.  Maybe you can't do 20 Plie Squats three times because you're throwing up all the time...and no one knows what a Plie Squat is.

These are just two examples of the land mine of topics that other moms are apparently allowed to freely judge you over.  Others include, but are not limited to:
-Breastfeeding vs. Formula
-Hospital vs. Home Birth vs. Birthing Center 
-Doctor vs. Midwife 
-Childcare (I had a well intentioned but completely unsolicited or necessary email from a friend begging me not to put my child in day care...ever)
-Baby wearing
-Clothe vs. Disposable diapers

I could go on.

I was talking to a friend the other night about this topic, ranting about why women feel they get to do this to other women.  Specifically, other moms.  Don't they know how hard this is?  Didn't they just do this?  And then, my wise friend said, "Stella, it's not about your choice, it's about the choice they already made.  They want to feel like they made the right one, and if you're doing something different than them, maybe it makes them defensive."

So wise.  So, so wise.  I was going with "they're all a-holes," but I think that's my hormones talking.  

I know I'm going to have to get over this as it is the tip of the iceberg.  There will be lots more topics ahead ("When did you let your daughter have earrings/a Facebook account/a cell phone/shave her legs/go to the mall with her friends/date?", "What colleges did your kid get in to?"...)  

I'm also going to have to remember not to be a judgey mom myself when someone tells me they put their two-year-old on an all vegan diet.  I will try not to judge that...openly.

In short, I'm going to have to be kinder to other moms and at the same time get thicker skin and wear it like armor as I jump into the craziness of motherhood.  In the end, it's not about them anyway, it's about my kid, our family and just trying to keep everyone alive and relatively happy. 

I'll have to remember what another very wise mom friend told me recently:  "Welcome to the Mommy Wars, little one.  Do not engage the crazies."

A very close call

Fruit is pretty much the best.  Especially while I've been pregnant, I've eaten fruit like I'm a Spider Monkey.  It comes in phases; there were some weeks when I ate four or five grapefruits, then pounds of blueberries, then entire watermelons.  Recently, it's been plums and peaches, and they've been glorious.  Until a few days ago.

Before I tell you what happened though, first you have to know that both Brad and Pippy do not share my fruit enthusiasm.  Pippy is very selective about the fruit she eats.  She never, ever eats fruit by just biting into it; she'll only eat fruit that either she has cut herself or that she has actually seen someone else cut.  I don't understand this, and she can't explain it, but that's how it is.  

Brad grew up with strawberry Poptarts as a main fruit source in his young life.  He doesn't really trust "food" that comes from "outside."  Case in point, there was a pear tree that grew in his backyard when he was little.  Not only did he and his brothers not recognize the fruit as edible, they used them as ammunition and hurled them as hard as they possibly could at each other.  

I once asked him if they ever ate a single pear from that tree and he said "No, we just said 'Get out of here weird things from this tree!' and then chunked them over the fence."  Perfect.

To this day he's suspicious of lots of food, saying that it all probably has bugs in it.

They are both clearly ridiculous.  Or so I thought.

Two days ago I was happily munching on a plum.  I didn't cut it up because that's silly.  As I took a big bite Brad said, "Why are you eating that plum like an animal?"

As he said it, part of the pit broke away, and there, inside the pit WAS A BUG!

OMG, OMG, OMG THERE WAS A BUG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLUM AND IT WAS ALIVE!

AHHHHH!

I have never even heard of this!  How could there be a bug inside a plum pit?  Just living there?  What does it drink?  How does it live?   

I'm not talking about a little bug either, it was almost as big as the whole pit.  It was like a worm bug, and I'm pretty sure it had fangs:

Okay, so that looks more like a longhorn vampire bug, but I wasn't really studying it as I was trying not to eat it.  Just know that it was terrifying.  

Immediately, I spit the plum out and thrust it at Brad without saying a word.  Then, I ran away and thought about not throwing up for a while. 

When I recovered, I found Brad hard at work Googling the bug (because in a crisis, Brad will get to the bottom of things!).  Apparently, it is a bug that lives in plums and eats the pit.  So there you go.

Honestly, I didn't really want to know much more, other than it wasn't poisonous and I wasn't going to die, so I can't tell you much else about the Plum Bugs.  Just...you know, watch out for them.

The whole experience has forced me to rethink my fruit philosophy.  Are Pippy and Brad right?  Should I cut up all my fruit from now on since apparently bugs in your fruit is a legitimate fear?  I don't know.  I just don't know what to believe anymore.  

Which is why I've been sticking to ice cream for the last two days.  Cherry Garcia.  All the fruit, none of the bugs.

Calling all writers!

So the Baby Ninja will be here very soon, and I'm thinking that I might not have time to blog for a while once that happens.  OR I'll have really funny, delusional posts written at 2 AM on two hours of sleep.  No one can predict how these things will work.

In the meantime, I'm enlisting YOUR help!  If you'd like to make a contribution to the blog to help keep it going during the temporary baby preoccupation, I'd love to publish your posts.  

Here are the only rules:
1.  It can be a work of anything you want- story that happened to you, fictional short story, poem, witty observation on life, a picture you drew of your cat, it's up to you- but you must have created it and agree that I can post it on the blog (no copyright issues please, I just couldn't deal with that and an infant).

2.  I will read everything prior to posting it, and may edit slightly for length or clarity.  

3.  I reserve the right not to post your submission for any reason without explanation.  Sorry dudes.

4.  This is just for fun, no one is making any money off of this thing (trust me), so if you submit, please do it because you like to write and you're helping a Ninja out not because you expect to get paid*.  Sorry again.  

 If you're good with those rules, then bring it!

Just send your submission(s) to obviousninjablog@gmail.com  You can send one post or 100, totes up to you.  Also, please let me know how you'd like to be credited- with your real name or a pseudonym. 

I'm taking submissions now and will create a little stockpile so that in the weeks ahead I can post them as needed.  I'll try to sprinkle in a few posts of my own here and there, and I'll keep writing until the big event.

Okay, that's all for now!  I expect at least five submissions because I know there are at least five of you out there per my Google blog analytics page.  You know who you are, don't make me hunt you down.

Thanks and hooray you!!


*If, in the off chance BJ Novak ever comes through and I get my book deal, I will not include your posts in my best selling blog compilation.  Maybe I'll mention you to Terry Gross in my "Fresh Air" interview though.