I'm finding out that being a mom is going to be a lot like all the other things in life where people have varied opinions about everything and feel that because they have been through a similar experience (or not), they are entitled to judge and/or give you unsolicited advice (see the previous post "Are You Trying" for further illuminating examples).
I'm learning that because someone else had a kid, they are pretty much going to tell you something about you having a kid and how it will go for you.
Case in point, for some reason as my due date gets closer I have been asked many times by a lot of moms a variation of "So, you'll get an epidural, right?" Or, I'm just plain told "I assume you'll have an epidural." I don't know why this comes up so much or why people care, but it does and they do.
When I say "Well, we'll see how it goes, but I'm going to try for a natural birth," there is an immediate reaction. I've had everything from laughter (I'm not kidding, two people have laughed in my face), to "Oh, well good luck, you're going to need it."
Or just a pitying look that says "Oh you dumb, naive girl. Just wait, you don't know what you're talking about." So much judgement for a topic I didn't even bring up!
My second favorite mom-to-be/new mom topic is working out. Apparently, we are to have "no excuses" about working out when we're pregnant, and even fewer than no excuses about getting our bodies back after the baby. I recently stumbled upon a "No Excuses Pregnancy Workout" on Pinterest (I know, it's my fault for being on Pinterest) that included:
-Run or Walk 1/2 Mile
-12 Bicep Curls
-12 Dips
-12 Shoulder Presses
-12 Lateral Raises
-Run or Walk 1/2 mile
-20 Lunges (R/L = 1)
-20 Calf Raises
-20 Plie Squats
-30-40 Second Wall Sit
*Repeat 2 Times
The background picture is a pregnant woman kick boxing and not making any excuses. So fierce.
WHAT?!?!?!
Who is the person that made this up? Who are the people who do this? Maybe I could do this if I wasn't pregnant. Maybe. I don't go to CrossFit though, so I don't know my limits or how hard I can work EVERY DAY, NO EXCUSES!
I'm not saying that I'm a couch potato, and exercise is important during pregnancy, but holy cow, does it have to be such a beat down?
Look, if you're into working out and that's your thing, cool. Do all the stuff on that list. What really bothers me is the title.
Does "No Excuses" imply that if you can't do this- all of this- then you're somehow not good at being pregnant? Hello, you're pregnant, that's not an excuse, it's a reality. Maybe you can't do 20 Plie Squats three times because you're throwing up all the time...and no one knows what a Plie Squat is.
These are just two examples of the land mine of topics that other moms are apparently allowed to freely judge you over. Others include, but are not limited to:
-Breastfeeding vs. Formula
-Hospital vs. Home Birth vs. Birthing Center
-Doctor vs. Midwife
-Childcare (I had a well intentioned but completely unsolicited or necessary email from a friend begging me not to put my child in day care...ever)
-Baby wearing
-Clothe vs. Disposable diapers
I could go on.
I was talking to a friend the other night about this topic, ranting about why women feel they get to do this to other women. Specifically, other moms. Don't they know how hard this is? Didn't they just do this? And then, my wise friend said, "Stella, it's not about your choice, it's about the choice they already made. They want to feel like they made the right one, and if you're doing something different than them, maybe it makes them defensive."
So wise. So, so wise. I was going with "they're all a-holes," but I think that's my hormones talking.
I know I'm going to have to get over this as it is the tip of the iceberg. There will be lots more topics ahead ("When did you let your daughter have earrings/a Facebook account/a cell phone/shave her legs/go to the mall with her friends/date?", "What colleges did your kid get in to?"...)
I'm also going to have to remember not to be a judgey mom myself when someone tells me they put their two-year-old on an all vegan diet. I will try not to judge that...openly.
In short, I'm going to have to be kinder to other moms and at the same time get thicker skin and wear it like armor as I jump into the craziness of motherhood. In the end, it's not about them anyway, it's about my kid, our family and just trying to keep everyone alive and relatively happy.
I'll have to remember what another very wise mom friend told me recently: "Welcome to the Mommy Wars, little one. Do not engage the crazies."
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