Squishy Ear

It's kind of a strange thing to be an adult an realize you have an ear infection.  No longer do I spend hours being a mermaid in a swimming pool, and really how else do you get an ear infection if you're not swimming all the time or not five years old?  Regardless, I had an ear infection recently, and I'm pretty sure it was Brad's fault.


It started with him complaining that he had a "squishy ear."  I still don't really know what that means, but I think maybe he had water in his ear and couldn't get it out.  He refused to elaborate or even tell me if it hurt; he just kept saying "I don't know, it's just squishy."  Then, when I told him that was a gross term and to please not use "squishy" and " ear" together, he insisted on using it constantly.  


The SE, as I referred to it, was a source of much debate.  What was it?  How did he get it?  What should be done about it?  Since Brad refused to stop talking about it and using its full name, I decided it needed to be eradicated.  

Google instructed me to pour drops of hydrogen peroxide into the ear to evaporate any water, but since we're fake adults and not real adults, we didn't have any hydrogen peroxide or even rubbing alcohol.  So, I forced him to lay down and let me drip contact solution into his ear.


I can tell you from this experience that for ear water eradication, and probably many other things, contact solution can not be substituted for hydrogen peroxide.  The SE remained.

Undeterred, the next day I purchased some peroxide to cure the SE.  I also bought some rubbing alcohol, Band-Aids, Neosporin, Benadryl and an Ace bandage because these are all things responsible adults need.  No longer must the we resort to super glue or tape and a Kleenex when we are cut.  Hurrah!  

Thankfully, the peroxide worked and the ear no longer squished.  Quite proud of myself, I decided that while all this ear maintenance was happening I should probably have some peroxide poured into my ear just in case.  It was out and all, and as long as we were cleaning ears, we might as well.

Here's the problem, there was nothing wrong with my ear, and after it had its hydrogen bath I started to worry that we didn't get all the hydrogen peroxide out.  Oh God, what if I got a Sqidhy Ear?!?  The only solution was to use five to seven Q-Tips and clear out as much of the peroxide as possible. This was obviously what any medical professional would have had me do, I didn't even have to look it up on the interwebs.

The next day, there was a ringing in my right ear.  The day after that, it still rang and it started to hurt.  I called one of my friends, who is a nurse, and gave her the bare bones details.  I told her my ear was ringing and that it was starting to hurt, and maybe could it be allergies or should I go to the doctor?  

I did not say that my husband gave me his Squishy Ear, or that I poured hydrogen peroxide in it when it was probably just fine, or that I then jammed multiple Q-Tips in it probably way too far or that now I was going to go deaf.  

I also didn't mention that I heard a story on NPR just that afternoon about how far hearing aids have come (it was fascinating really), and was already through the stages of grief about my impending hearing loss and had accepted that I would just buy a very expensive hearing aid.  I would not be ashamed or self conscious, and I would retain full hearing in my left ear, which was a blessing. I would manage just fine, thank you.

"Are you somewhere you can put your head between your knees and then sit up real fast?" asked my nurse friend.  

I wasn't, I was driving, but I immediately pulled over and maneuvered myself so that I could put my head between my knees and then sit up really fast without hitting the back of my head on the steering wheel.


"Ok, I did it" I said.
"Did you get dizzy?" she asked.
"No."
"Okay, well then it's probably not a full blown ear infection or sinus infection, but if it still hurts in a few days you should go to the doctor."


Three days later, I went to the doctor.  Turns out I did have an ear infection because (and this is gross, sorry), the Q-Tip episode had jammed ear wax way far into my ear and now it was infected.  How they got it out is a whole other gross, embarrassing story for another day, but I will say it is surprising how big a deal a very small amount of wax pushed very far into the ear can be to a person.

So, that's how Brad gave me his Squishy Ear, made me go through this horrible ear ordeal and I how I almost went deaf because of him.  It's also how we got Band-Aids though, so I guess it wasn't all bad.