Further Thoughts on Flying and Catholicism. Part II: The Reunion

Dear Loyal Fans,

So sorry for the delay.  You've no doubt been on pins and needles waiting for part two of this saga, and I have been remiss in posting!  I sincerely apologize, and promise to defiantly post either Sunday night or Monday night henceforth.  Thank you for staying tuned in up to this point.

So, with that, let us continue our tale. 

The reunion itself was actually lovely.  The food was good, all the old high school friends were really fun, and since it was BYOB I was the most hilarious I’d ever been.  I was instantly making friends and commanding the dance floor.  And I was drinking beer, lots of beer.

Plus, bonus, my husband’s old girlfriend was fat and wore a dress with sparkly horizontal stripes!  It was turning out to be an awesome night.

It got better when they ran in to each other by the bathroom:

Brad:  Kelly Adair!  So good to see you!

Kelly:  It's Spitz now, Kelly Spitz, and I was wondering if you were even going to talk to me.  I was beginning to think you were avoiding me! (Said in an actual mad voice, not sarcastic voice).

Brad:  Of course I wasn’t!  I just haven't made it over….So, I saw on Facebook you've got some kids now.

Kelly:  Yeah, I've got three.

Brad:  Wow!  That's a lot of kids in ten years.

Kelly:  We were married first if that's what you were thinkin’.

Awesome, awesome, awesome!!  

Which, let's just pause for one moment if we can, and talk about Facebook and reunions.  If you haven't been to a reunion since FB started (or ever, as I know I have a very young, hip following), it's a little weird.  You know all this kind of intimate stuff about people that you haven't really seen in 10+ years, and probably don't really care about, but you know it anyway.  It's all the stuff that they would normally have told you at the reunion, although now you already know it, and you feel creepy about it.

"So I saw on Facebook you lived in North Dakota for a while, but now you're in Arizona."

"Yeah, like I said on Facebook, it's a big change."

"Yeah, I saw on Facebook your kids are adjusting well though.  Love your pool!"

"Yeah, Conner just loves to swim."

"Yeah, I saw on Facebook he won first prize at Little Dolphins Camp."

It's weird and voyeuristic.  I think if there's a reunion coming up, you shouldn't be allowed to update your status for at least two months to give everyone something to talk about.  

Anyway, I digress.

So, toward the end of the night I started telling the story of The Worst Flight Ever (see Part I) to a group of my new friends.  Then, out of nowhere, up comes Kelly Adiar Spitz in her sparkly dress just as I'm saying "and I was so scared I just said the Lord's prayer over and over."

Kelly grabs my arm and says, "Wait!  You ain't one of them Catholics are you?"

Now, before I go on, please know that it is not beyond me to insert colloquial phrasing, exclamation points, or half-truths to juice up a story, but that quotation is verbatim.  Etched in my brain for all of time.

Shocked at what a blatantly rude and odd question had just been spat at me, I merely stammered "Uh, no."  To which Kelly responded (again, verbatim):

"Oh good, I was afraid Brad went off and married a Catholic.  I mean, I know they're supposed to be "Christian" (used real air quotes) and all, but with all those saints and who knows what else they pray to, I don't trust a one."

Holy bat shit Batman.   Where was I?  What was happening?  This was new level of judgement.  This was Christian on Christian, reverse Crusades, my-Jesus-is-better-than-your-Jesus crazy judgement.  

 How could someone claim to be a Christian and yet be so hatful...of another sect of her own religion?  Granted there are very fundamental differences between Catholicism and Baptism, but I mean come on.  For all she knew, my entire family is Catholic, or I was struggling to find my own faith and strongly considering Catholicism.  

As I stared at the large horizontal stripes stretched tightly across her midsection, I should have taken that moment to speak to her, in a Christian way, about tolerance, loving thy neighbor, religious freedom, education and not marrying your first cousin.  But I didn't.

Instead, I laughed and said, "Oh, honey, no I’m not Catholic.  I'm a Democrat."  And then her head exploded. 

No, actually that didn’t happen, but I wish it had.  Instead I just turned around and walked away and then wrote about it on my blog.  Take that, Kelly Adair Spitz*, take that.

*Not her real name.  Apologies to any real Kelly Adair Spitz out there.  I'm not talking about you.  Please don't sue me.