Elvis has Entered the Pearly Gates

Let's talk about Elvis.  Elvis Aaron Presley.  The King.  I love Elvis, and my love runs very deep.  I have been in love with Elvis since I was approximately four years old.

I don't remember being introduced to Elvis, it's almost like he was always there in my heart and in my being.  I must have discovered him through osmosis since my mom listened primarily to the oldies station when not listening to NPR.  My favorite Elvis song was "Teddy Bear" because it combined my love of Elvis and stuffed animals.  My mom even requested it on the live radio for me when I had to go to the doctor and get a shot.  It was a special, special day.

I had an Elvis CD, and gleaned from the the cover art that he was the most beautiful man alive.  We're talking late 50s Elvis, when his hips were on fire and is hair was the stuff of dreams.  This is pre peanut butter and banana days.  This was Elvis as Elvis was meant to be- Tennessee glory.

I used to listen to "Teddy Bear," "Jailhouse Rock," and "Return to Sender" and think about how Elvis and I would get married.  We would meet when I was on tour with my band, Stella and the Holograms,  and we would fall madly in love.  I would have to break up with my other boyfriends, The Ninja Turtles, Robin Hood the fox from the epic Disney movie by the same name, and Eric from "The Little Mermaid," but that was okay.  I was destined to be with Elvis, and we would live happily ever after.

One day I was telling my best friend, Jennie Castalano, about how I was going to marry Elvis, and she said, "You can't marry Elvis."

She was a real pisser, and pretty stupid, so I knew I needed to speak slowly and in words she would understand.  "Duuuuuh, Jennie, not right noooooow!  I'll marry him when I'm oooolder.  Like when I'm 17."

Then, Jennie looked me straight in the face, and said the stupidest, dumbest thing I'd ever, ever heard: 

"No, you can't marry him, dummy, because he's DEAD!"

I was floored.  Poor Jennie, she was just so dumb.  Elvis couldn't be dead, he was on the radio and on my CD!  Dead people aren't on the radio!  I laughed at Jennie and went on about my day coloring and eating paste.

That night, as my mom was giving me a bath, I decided to let her in on the joke.

"Mom, mom!  Jennie said something so funny today!"

"Oh, yes, honey, what did she say?"

"She said Elvis is dead!  Hahahahaha!"

But my mom wasn't laughing.  She had stopped lathering the Minnie Mouse washcloth in her hand and looked at me with sad eyes.

"Oh sweetheart," she said with a heavy sigh, "Elvis is dead."

"Wha....but, but, he's on the radio!"

"I know, honey, but people who are dead are still on the radio.  They live through their music forever."

I immediately burst into tears.  Wailing, I splashed and kicked and generally had a melt down.  This couldn't be truuuuuuuuue!  NO!  I was going to marrrrry him!  

"No, Mom, no!  I don't want Elvis to be dead!  I love him!"

"Well," said my mom, "Elvis is in Heaven, and maybe one day, when you go to Heaven, you'll get to meet him there."

And so, it became my sincere belief that when you die it is not Saint Peter who greets you, but rather Elvis.  He will open his arms wide, and then he will turn and bend a knee and display his glittery eagle cape.  Then he will turn back around, and we will walk through those pearly gates, hand in hand, as "Jailhouse Rock" plays, and it will be magnificent.  Uh huh.