Are You Trying?

There are times in life when certain questions touch a nerve.  They're a little too personal and are asked by someone who isn't close enough to you to be allowed to ask it.  I call these, “Old Lady Questions” because often they are asked by old ladies your family has known for years but with whom you are not necessarily well acquainted.  

They are not limited to old ladies though.  They are sometimes asked by coworkers, people you have just met in line at the grocery store and- the worst- random people at parties who have just accomplished the thing they are asking you about so that they can feel superior if you have not yet accomplished the thing too.

When you’re single, the question is “When are you going to find that someone special?”  This is a pretty good one because it implies that you have some control over this situation and are just being stubborn about the whole thing. 

There are only three possible reasons why a person would be sans special someone: a).  They do not want to be in a relationship and are enjoying their personal freedom b).  They desperately want to be a in a relationship, but due to circumstances outside of their control, have not found that person or c).  They recently broke up with a person they used to find special.  

Whatever the reason, thanks to the OLQ, the person has now been made to feel like a mutant person for not finding his/her sole mate in an acceptable amount of time.  They will surely die alone.

Things don’t get better once you’ve found that special someone.  The question morphs into “When are you two going to get married?”  Again, there are very few possible answers, and none of them are fun for anyone.  

Answer possibilities include:

1. Never, and thank you for your judgment. 

2. Maybe some day, but we’re both enjoying where we are right now, but thank you for forcing this topic on us. 

3.  Unfortunately, that is not allowed in this state, but please write your congressperson and let’s get this changed!  Thank you!

4.  Welllll, one of us really wants to but the other one is having some sort of issue, and now we’re going to fight as soon as you walk away, thank you. 

Never is the answer “Oh my God!  I’m so glad you reminded me!” (drops to one knee) “Tiffany, I’ve been meaning to ask you, but have just been forgetting.  Will you marry me?  Thank you, acquaintance, for your help!”

Unfortunately, once you clear the marriage hurdle, you're not really in the clear.  I am now in what may be the worst stage of Old Lady Questions, “Are You Trying?”

“Are you trying?” is a follow up to “do you have kids?” which in and of itself is not an OLQ.  “Do you have kids,” while not necessarily all that interesting, is perfectly acceptable.  It’s in the same category as “What do you do for a living?” and “Where did you grow up?”  Boring, but acceptable.

The follow up is where the true horror of OLQs comes into play.  Are.  You.  Trying.

Basically, I am being asked if I am having sex.   Not only that, why isn’t it working?  How is one to answer this question?  If I say yes, then I'm saying “Yes, I’m having lots of sex but very unsuccessfully as I am not currently with child.”  If I say no, then I must be a horrible monster who doesn’t want children and is wasting her eggs as her biological clock ticks closer toward middle age.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been asked this question a lot recently.  I mean, at least once a month.  So, I’ve started for formulate equally inappropriate answers.

“Oh yes, and we’re having SUCH a good time.  Would you like to join us?”

“Before I answer, how much sex are you having?"

“No, we hate babies,” and then I punch them and run away.

I know that people are not usually trying to be assholes when they ask, but this of all the questions, could have a backstory that is maybe just a little too personal to talk about over groceries.  Not everyone wants kids, not everyone can have kids, or maybe we are trying and it’s been really, really hard.  What’s going on with your ovaries, lady?

What I do understand is that people want to make connections with other people.  Everyone wants to find commonality and figure out a new person, even if it’s just a little.  And frankly, no one wants to be weird and awkward at parties.  

But, let’s all agree that OLQs are not the way to go.  Okay?  Can we do that?  Instead, let’s have a little more sophistication and ask a new breed of icebreaker.  Because, really, after the baby question, then what?  When are you going to have another baby?  When are you going to retire?  When are you going to die?  No one knows, and really, do you care?  No.

Let's ask about something people care about.  Like which superpower they would have, or their thoughts on pandas versus koalas in terms of cuteness, or who would win in a fight between a grizzly bear and a hippopotamus.  These are things people care about.  These are things people want to know. 

Turbulence

I am not a nervous flyer, I’m just going to throw that out there right now.  My sister thinks that you have 50/50 chance every time you get in a plane.  That's not what this is about.  However, just because I don’t automatically think that we’re going to crash when the plane takes off doesn’t mean that I enjoy turbulence.

Most of the time, I can play it off.  Sometimes though, there’s more turbulence than I can rationally pretend away.  I'm talking about that terrible drop when you come out of your seat a little.  That shaking, violent shuddering of metal as it lurches and dips through the stormy, black clouds.  When you know the plane is either going to fall apart or get hit by lightning.

When this type of turbulence happens, always- always- the captain comes over the loud speaker and whispers, "Ahhh, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we're coming up on a little turbulence....ahhh, please return to your seats and make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened." 

At this point I usually synch my seatbelt as uncomfortably as possible and begin telling myself how calm the captain sounded, which is why I shouldn’t panic.  “Didn’t you hear him, he was whispering he was so calm!”

Besides, it's not really that bad because the stewardesses (and the one steward, Steve, from Dallas who is just fabulous and hilarious over the loud speakers) are still walking around collecting cans and making sure that all seatbelts are securely fastened.  

It's not bad unless the captain comes back on and, not in a whisper at all, says "Flight attendants please take your seats."  And I think "Good God, man, just fly the plane, get off the speaker!"

Then Steve and the ladies strap themselves into their much more secure looking seats with the over-the-shoulder harnesses.  One of them (not Steve because this is no time for games, this is serious) tells us to “Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened as the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign.”  I always think, "No kidding, lady!  If I could climb into that harness with you I could!  I’ve been cutting off circulation to my legs for the last 20 minutes!"

Now you know it's bad because everyone is quiet.  There's really no feeling like that of being in a group of grown-ass adults who know, instinctively, that they should not talk because they are about to die.

The next time the plane shudders, some lady in first class whimpers, and I just want slap her face because she's got nothing to whine about.  She's in first class!  They get free drinks!  I’m the one who's going to die in coach!

Then, as suddenly as it came, the turbulence stops. Everyone collectively un-grips their arm rests and turns to the person next to them and does that little half smile, half laugh thing.  "Hee, we all thought we were going to die, but we didn't!  Heehee.  Isn't that not really funny at all?!"

Exasperated, I find myself picking up SkyMall (does anyone buy the "bronze" statue of Bigfoot for their lawn?), and think that maybe, yes my shower could use a small bamboo bench on which I could shave my legs...or sit!...or sit AND shave...  

Then, there’s Steve all smiles collecting any last minute trash and asking that you please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in the full upright and locked position.

Am I the only one who just sweated through their smart, travel savvy Gap tee that is unfortunately light gray?  Am I the only one who realizes we were all strapped to jet fuel hurling toward the ground?

Then we land, and the captain comes on and says something like "Well folks, we've made it to Orlando where local time is 3:45.  We were scheduled to land at 3:57, so we got ya here about 12 minutes early.  Blah, blah, blah, blah."

This speech always, always irks me. Why?  Okay, first, why the colloquialisms?  We've gone from sultry whispering captain, to urgent authoritative captain to Todd Palin.  Who are we dealing with?  

Second, you know what I would have liked more than arriving 12 minutes early?  Not thinking I was going to die for 34 minutes. 

Third, how about an apology?  Do you think pretending like it was a good flight will make us think it was a good flight?  It won't...we remember what you did to us.

Look, I appreciate that you landed the plane and we didn’t all die.  All I'm saying is, let's be adults.  When there are crappy flights, and there's going to be crappy flights, don't pretend like nothing happened.  It doesn't make us feel better; it makes us feel crazy.  

 So next time you narrowly cheat death and land that potential fireball, Mr./Miss/Ms./Mrs. Captain, please know that we know that you know that this was a close call, and there’s nothing you can say to change that fact.

Other than that, thanks for returning us to earth...this time.

How to Lose Something and Find It Again, Hopefully

I am a mess.  Not a metaphorical mess, or an emotional mess, but an actual mess of a person.  I do not pick up after myself.  I forget that I left things in conspicuous places and then surprise myself when I find them in those places later.  When I take off a pair of shoes, it’s as if they vanish from my consciousness never to be retrieved again.  They disappear.  Until I trip on them in the night and am shocked that they are there- on two different stairs- when I don’t even remember going upstairs that day.

Things also actually disappear away from me.  I was once sitting in my sister’s car and literally had her keys in my hand one second, and then a breeze blew through the car and they vanished!  I am not kidding you, they vanished from my hand, and I have really big hands for a girl.  They were there one second and then, poof, disappeared into the ether.  I did not drop them.  

I lose things quite often.  In fact, I’m sorry to say, I lose at least one thing every single day. 

Most of the time it’s just for a short period, and I’m able to cope until the object is found or just do without it for a while.  “Where is my cell phone?  Well, maybe I’ll go to the bathroom and it will materialize when I return.”  

Sometimes though, it is a larger object of more significance, and the loss time is far greater.  

For example, here is a list of significant things I have lost in recent history, some of which my husband is not aware that I lost, probably until reading this. 

1. Watch purchased by my husband for our anniversary (total loss time, approximately one week.  Found in the couch cushions).

2.  Diamond necklace purchased by my husband for our first anniversary (total loss time, two weeks.  More to come on the find).

3.  My iPad (recovered a week and a half later at a Wahoo’s Taco Shack in Boulder, CO where I had been having lunch a week and a half earlier).

4.  My computer- the very computer on which I now type (total loss time, four days).

5.  Two children whom I was babysitting (I actually didn’t lose them, but did forget to pick them up from school for about two hours which is just as bad as losing them).

“How does this happen?” you may ask.

“Does she not care about her things?” you may ask.

“Is she a heartless bitch/Alzheimer patient/crazy person?” you may ask.

The answer is I don’t know, maybe.

Sadly, I have always and will always lose things.  I have accepted this.

So, I’ve come up with a fool proof coping mechanism that has seemed to work rather well.

Here it is, for your approval, The Guide to Finding Almost Anything.

Step 1:  You haven’t lost anything at all.  I know this sounds very Zen and existential, but really it’s more of a form of self-delusion that will allow you to put off panicking about the lost object for quite an extended period of time.

Say, for example, you cannot find the diamond necklace from your husband that was given to you on your wedding anniversary.  It’s not lost, you just can’t find it right now.   

Not to worry because it’s around here somewhere, and you really didn’t want to wear that necklace today anyway.  Plus, it’s not lost. 

Step 2:  Do not look for the object.  Looking for the object admits to the Gods of Lost Things, that you believe this object is lost, and then they will hide it better.  

So, do not look.  Do not look for several days.  Do not go searching through your jewelry box, or looking on the little hook by your bathroom mirror where you normally keep necklaces.  No! 

The next time you happen to be in your jewelry box anyway, say tomorrow or the next day, then you can casually observe if the necklace is there, but no searching desperately through every drawer!

Anyway, it’s not really lost.  It’s probably some place that isn’t so obvious.  It’s probably at your mother’s house.  Which brings us to:

Step 3:  Begin casually observing less obvious places in case the object happens to be there.

You were at your mother’s house last week, maybe you wore it then and took it off for some inexplicable reason, and you just don’t remember doing that.  It’s probably at your mother’s. 

You can call your mother and casually mention that you aren’t missing a necklace, but could she maybe look around and let you know in the next day or two if it’s there?

Your mother will most likely panic and turn her house upside down looking for the object.  Do not let this alarm you.  

The object is still not lost, and it’s probably not at your mother’s anyway, and you should probably just keep an eye out for it in your car, and the office, and probably the backyard. 

Step 4:  It Might be Lost, Maybe.  If you still haven’t stumbled upon the object at this point, you may be tempted to allow the hot, sticky feeling of panic to creep up your spine that causes your upper lip to perspire.  

Don't do this!  It’s still not totally lost; however, now might be the time to clean out the jewelry box.  

A warning though, even at Step Four, you must still keep a very low profile and tell as few people as possible that you are looking for something, especially if those people are your husband.

Step 5:  Say a prayer to St. Anthony, even if/though you are not Catholic.  If you don’t know about this, allow me to fill you in on The Prayer to St. Anthony.  St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost things, I believe.   Hold on, let me Google that for clarification.  Yes, that’s correct.  

According to Wikipedia “St Anthony is venerated all over the world as the Patron Saint for lost articles, and is credited with many miracles involving lost people, lost things and even lost spiritual goods.”

I can attest that he has performed several small miracles on my behalf in the finding of lost things, and while I have never evoked him to help me find lost people or spiritual goods, it’s good to know that he also specializes in that. 

So, what you do is stand still in a room and say, “Dear St. Anthony, please look around, something’s lost and can’t be found.”  And that’s it.  I also like to picture the item that’s lost and sometimes say something like "It’s a necklace.  You know the one from 2009?”

Step 6: Contemplate buying the lost object again without anyone finding out. 

Step 7:  A. Realize that’s like lying and know you cannot do this.

Step 7B. Realize the object is too expensive and you can’t afford to buy it again anyway. 

Step 8:  Give up.  At this point, you have lost all hope and are back to Step 6 or Step 6A which is the same as Step 6, except that now you realize you will probably have to tell your husband you lost the necklace before you re-buy it so that you’re not a bad person.  You have to really have given up to contemplate Step 6A. 

So, you gather your strength and prepare for the inevitable, but then…

Step 9: You miraculously find the object!!  I don’t know why, but this is always how it happens.

It was in that crappy overnight bag you never use except when you did use it last week and stupidly put a diamond necklace in the front zipper!

You cry, you are flooded with joy, you will never, ever let the object out of your sight again!  You will wear it every day!  FOREVER!  You say another prayer to St. Anthony!  And all this time it was RIGHT THERE…in that front zipper wrapped in a little ball of toilet paper so that you wouldn’t lose it! 

Now you are freed up for a while and will probably go at least two weeks until you lose something else of equal value.  Say, your car, or your dog.  Don't worry though, you now have the coping mechanism to find it.  You're welcome.