So, would that make me a cannibal?

*Warning- this is a kind of gross post.  While I will not describe anything that has actually happened to me or anything related to birth in great detail, I'm just telling you now, there is a gross factor.  Maybe.  Or maybe you won't think it's gross.  I don't know.  Either way, you've been warned.  

I live in what has been described as a hippie town.  I think this is relative, but there are aspects of earthiness, some of which I embrace- like recycling, equality, and yoga.  So, when it comes to birth, there are lots of options and things that are available to us here that wouldn't be in our hometowns, and that I felt Brad and I needed to be educated on in order to make informed decisions.  Doulas being one of them.

I was vaguely familiar with what a doula does, but learned more from a friend in yoga.  Basically they are a non-medical birth coach.  Not to be confused (which I did) with a midwife who does do medical things and who I equate with a modern witch doctor, in a good way.  As one doula put it, they're like the choreographer who doesn't do any dancing.

It was all very mystical sounding, and I thought maybe we should check it out.  Brad was not really on board.  "This sounds hippie and earthy," I believe were his exact words.  

But, because I'm the boss of him and he loves me, I drug him to a Doula Meet and Greet with the promise that there would be food.  It was called "Eat, Drink, Doula" so I thought maybe there would also be beer.  I told him there would be beer.

When we got there the food turned out to be a few oatmeal cookies and the drink was water.  Brad was overjoyed.  "When can we leave?" he wanted to know after being there for two minutes.  

The doula leader, Marianne, was very nice and didn't seem too weird.  She asked us all to sit in a circle and please help ourselves to the refreshments.  Brad refused to even eat one cookie, I'm pretty sure to show me how much he didn't want to be there.

"Thank you all for coming," said Marianne.  "First, some of you may be unfamiliar with doulas, and maybe you have an idea that this is hippie, granola stuff," she said.  
"Yes!" I thought, she gets it.  Brad will come around.  
"Doulas are nothing more than a coach.  We're here to help you and your partner."  

She gave a very good, funny talk, and I thought things were going well.  Brad seemed more at ease.  Then, she dropped the bomb.

"Now, before we break out into groups, I'd like to go through one other service we offer."
"Oh no," I thought.  "Please don't let it be anything weird.  Please don't let it be anything weird."

"Placenta Encapsulation."  

My head imploded.

"It's okay to smile," said Marianne, "it's a taboo topic in our culture, and many people are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the idea."  I couldn't help it, I laughed a little.  

Shit, this was not going well.  I had just broken my solidarity with Marianne and now Brad was sitting straight up in his chair and smiling.  He had just gone from actively disengaged to very much engaged and ready to mess with Marianne.  

Marianne explained that eating the placenta is very beneficial.  It's been shown to stabilize hormones, prevent post-pardom depression, increase milk production and also gives you wings.

"Also, humans are the only mammals that do not eat their placenta," said Marianne.  As if that was the resounding final fact that would convince us.

"Excuse me," said Brad.  "Did you say humans are the only mammals that don't do this?"
"Yes," said Marianne, "even giraffes eat the placenta.  I was told they don't, but then I did some research and found out that they do!"

"Mmmhmm," said Brad.  "And what other societies are doing this?" he asked.  Not that he really cared, mind you.

"Well, it's done all over the world," said Marianne.
"Like where?"
"Well, it's very big in Scandinavia.  And I believe Switzerland."  Efff, Marianne!  Those are the same.  Brad was smiling...a lot.

"Interesting.  So, what's the process like?" asked Brad.  "Can we grill it?"  Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh!  
"Oh, haha, no," said Marianne.  "We have two options."

Marianne explained that we could choose to have it dehydrated, crushed into powder form and put in a pill.  Then you just take the pill every day.  "Some women even save them for menopause!"

Or, the other, better option is that they will cut it up into little circles and put them in individual freezer baggies and then you just plop them in your smoothie in the mornings!

"So, raw?" I asked.  "I would eat it raw?"
"Oh yes, that's when you get the most nutritional value.  I promise you don't taste it!  I made one and had my mom try it, and she was very skeptical, and even she said she couldn't taste a thing!"

There is a potential problem though.  Some hospitals might not release your placenta to you.  If that's the case, you'll need either a court order or a letter from a mortician (I don't know why, maybe it's considered dead?) to get it released.  Not to worry though, they have recommendations for a mortician in town who will do it for half the price of the court order!  Fantastic!  

"God bless Capitalism," said Brad.

Okay, let's pause.  Now look.  If you want to eat your own placenta, whatever, that's your journey.  I was even thinking, at first, "Okay, well if it's really this beneficial, maybe I could do the pill thing."  But then, I decided to look some of this up, and here's what I found out about "Placentophagy" (which is the offical name for eating your own placenta).

First, I didn't find anything that said all mammals do it.  In fact, camels, seals, whales and dolphins do not partake*.  Marsupials don't either since everything just gets sucked back into their pouches, but they're only kind of mammals so I guess we'll let them off the hook.  Sorry kangaroos.

Also, I couldn't find any recent, double blind, human studies (and I looked, not that hard but I looked) on the effects of human placentophagy.  Therefore, evidence is anecdotal, based on studies done on non-primate mammals, like rats, or very old (like 1918) and spotty on methodology.  This was one the best sites I found PlacentaWise , but nothing in JAMA, nothing from Johns Hopkins, etc. 

Additionally, it is thought that the two primary reasons for mammals to do this are:
1. To erase traces of birth so that predators don't come into the area.  Makes sense that a large bloody thing on the ground could attract predators.
2. May have some nutritional value and hormonal benefits.  Some of the hormones are thought to help shrink the uterus and help with all that gross after birth stuff that happens.  This, incidentally, is one of the reasons proponents say humans should be eating their placentas.

Here's the deal though, there will, hopefully, be no predators in the hospital room, and they give you DRUGS that do all the same stuff (shrinking, etc.).

If you're thinking, "Well maybe people don't want the drugs, so that's why you should do it."  That means you'd have have eat the placenta in the hospital room right after you gave birth to get these same benefits that haven't been proven in humans.  "Nurse!  Hand me a fork!"

Again, if you're for this, yeehaw Sisterfriend.  I got nothing but love for you, and I hope it goes well and that you get all the hormonal value out of doing it.  Maybe I'm on the wrong side of history here.

I'm just saying that until I see a real medical journal publish something in this century saying that this is a real thing, I'm not paying a mortician to collect and then someone else to cut up something that was inside my body for me to drink in smoothie form.  I don't care that January Jones did it either.

Long story short, we left without signing up for either a doula or the Placenta Encapsulation service and got burritos.  I'm still really thinking about the whole doula thing though, which I think could be very helpful.  Brad has gone back to not eating granola, so we'll see if he can come around.  

Sigh.  If only they'd served beer.

*Wikipedia-Placentophagy