Part 2: Desperate Measures

As the wedding approached, I knew something had to be done.  There was no way I was going to walk down the aisle of my sister's wedding looking like I was wearing a bright red bib.

So, I decided that I would spray tan all of my body except the part that was sunburned.  That way, when the burn faded into a beautiful tan- like all of my sunburns had never done- it would match the spray tan.  It was fool proof.

I have spray tanned quite a bit.  In college, I went to those booths that were like car washes for tanning.  You put this goop on your finger and toenails, and then you put on a hairnet and goggles and stepped naked into this giant booth.  You were then blasted, front and back, with tan.

Things have evolved since then, and it's actually just as reasonably priced to get someone to spray tan you with a little gun as it is to go to the booth.  It's definitely a different level of intimacy to have a 22 year old spray your inner thigh while you wear paper panties, but it's a much better end result.

The only problem with my spray tan plan was that I was going to be in way South Texas for work, and was going to have to drive from there to Pippy's wedding.  There was no time to go home to the proven "city" tanning to which I had become accustom.  I was going to have to find a tanner in a small town basically two miles away from Mexico, at the last minute.

Fortunately, Yelp found me two options, and I went with the one that had pictures of body builders and pageant queens on their website, deducing that they were the most reputable.  It was called something like "Coconut Dreams" and was owned by a husband and wife team.  It was clean and they were nice, but I'm sure I was the palest person they'd ever tanned.

"So, what level of tan do you want?" the lady owner asked.
"Well, I usually do a 1 or a 2 at home," I said.  "But, I've got this sunburn, and I'm trying to even everything out so that the sunburn doesn't stand out.  My sister's getting married on Saturday and I want to look normal."
"Hmmm." She looked at the sunburn.  "I think you could do a 2.5 to 3.  It's Thursday, so by Saturday that sunburn's gonna be a nice tan, so we should probably go a little darker."
"Okay, if that's what you think.  Just please don't spray the sunburn please."

Obviously you know what happened next.  2.5 to 3 was waaaaay too dark.  I should have done a .5, and, of course, she sprayed the sunburn.  I don't know why after I explicitly asked her not to, but it happened too fast for me to stop her.  One minute she's doing my shoulders and the next, swoosh, sunburned bib is sprayed.

At first, it was okay.  The tan hadn't fully set in yet, and when I looked in the mirror, I was all one color.  I looked pretty good!  She did know what she was doing after all!  

On my way out the door she reminded me that I shouldn't shower for at least eight hours, I shouldn't wear a bra while I drove back, and above all, I should NOT use Dove soap.  Apparently, that is the worst thing you can do.  I promised I would follow all the rules and drove away.

Then, the bib started to itch.  I had been putting on my fancy sunburn cream and aloe pretty much every thirty minutes for a week, and it was time to reapply.  But I couldn't!  If I touched my still-fresh tan, it would ruin everything.  Maybe, just a liiiiiittle drop...no.

The moment I touched the aloe to the burn, the spray tan began to peel away along with some skin.  I had finally reached the peeling stage, and it was coming in fierce.  I was molting.  As the tan/skin peeled away, it revealed baby pink skin that din't match my level 2.5 tanned rest of skin- at all.

Five hours later, when I showed up at Pippy's house, I was a wreck. I had been picking and "smoothing" (trying to pull the tan from the non-sunburned parts of me to the bib) the entire trip.  Plus, the rest of the tan had set in, and as mentioned, was way too dark.

Pippy was horrified.  I was obviously about to ruin her wedding.  However, being the sweet caring person she is, she was trying to put on a brave face.

"Okay, it's okay," she said.  "Maybe you should just take a shower."
"No!  I can't!  The lady at the tanning place said not to take a shower for at least eight hours."
"You need to take a shower," said Pippy.
"Okay."

I got in.

"You only have Dove soap!" I wailed.  "The lady said not to use Dove soap!"
"You need to use the Dove soap," said Pippy.  "Use a lot of it."

This should tell you something about how wonderful my sister is and how terrible I am.  I stood in her shower two days before her wedding, and allowed her to hose me down with the shower head, while I cried and apologized.  She just kept saying, "It's okay.  Just use more soap."

Two showers later, I was a little less tan, but the bib was in full peel.  

"Let's just keep putting that cream on it," Pippy said, "and maybe by Saturday, it will at least stop peeling."  

Did I mention that Pippy is my little sister?  That's how fabulous she is, just taking care of me as I slowly morphed into less of a tan mutant.  

There was nothing left to do but buy a higher necked dress for the rehersal dinner and pray.

The day of the wedding, it actually was looking okay.  It was far less peely, and the tan was faded quite a bit.  About 20 minutes before we walked down the aisle, I decided to put some make up on it, just to see.  And Pippy, being Pippy, even applied it for me.  

"Wow," she said.

I turned to the mirror and...Oh my God!

I was one color.  It was a wedding miracle.  We used Cover Girl, and I'm telling you what, it was magic.  It was absolutely flawless.

Hooray!  We did it!  Pippy got married, I matroned of honored and no one thought I was a radiation victim.  It wasn't until much later in the night, when there had been much drinking and dancing that the Cover Girl began to wear off.  And by then, we had made it through the pictures.  

So, that's how I almost ruined my sister's wedding with a sunburn and a spray tan, and how she pulled me through it.  And, how I gained a new, very deep respect, for Cover Girl products.