Rules by Which to Live

Rules and guilt have been an integral part of my life since I was old enough to understand either concept.  It wasn't that my parents were particularly strict, but somehow I have this God given need to do the right thing all the time, and feel very, very guilty if I even slightly do the wrong thing.  Usually the guilt is followed by hours of massive anxiety until I'm forced to confess to whatever atrocity I committed.

The longest I ever lied about something was when I was five.  After learning to do a backflip in the pool, I decided that I could definitely do a back flip off my dresser, because I had a waterbed...which was like a pool.  I missed the waterbed and broke my arm in two places.  

I kept up the lie that I was "jumping on the bed" for six months until I broke.  Through my tears I begged my mom "Punish me!  PUNISH ME!"  She said that I punished myself enough and I was off the hook. 

You would think that would have taught me to just be really, really sorry when I did something wrong, but instead I just became even more vigilant about not lying and following the rules.  

I was a tattle tale.  I was the one who told on the slumber party when we were watching "It" instead of "The Little Mermaid."  I was the one who stayed behind when everyone went out toilet papering the football players' lawns.  This is also why I'm very good with grammar.  

I've mellowed over the years and have been able to relax a little.  I had a fake ID in college and I do speed occasionally.  So there you go.

As an adult, I have learned to channel my need for rules and turn them from a freakishly annoying habit that alienated me from my peers to a very positive coping mechanism.  So, in an effort to make the world a better place, here's how to improve your life with Rules.

There are two types of rules, but basically, all you have to do is make up a Rule any time you don't want to do something or you are really stressed out.  

If you don't want to do something you just say "Well, it's a Rule that I have to pick up this smelly dog poo or the park ranger will arrest me."  or  "It's a Rule that I have to fold these clothes or I'll be a homeless bum with wrinkled shirts."  Then you do it, because it's a Rule.

It's very simple.

The other Rule is the stressed out Rule, and this comes in handy a lot.  For this one, you just have to say "Okay, it's a rule that if I walk around the block one time, when I come back in the house I can't think about this terrible thing at work that's giving me anxiety diarrhea."  

Or, "It's a rule that you can't eat ice cream if you're really stressed out about the fight you just had with your husband."  Nine times out of 10 it works, until about 15 minutes later when I have to come up with a new Rule. 

So, that's how you get through life.  Bouncing around from Rule to Rule.  It's very effective and not at all crazy.  You should try it!

In fact, I'll help!  This can be your first Rule, dear reader:  if you want to keep reading, it's a Rule that you have to follow the blog (check out the new gadget thing over to your right.  It lets you put in your email address.  You can get notices when I post!).  

Okay, not really a rule.  But do it or I'll totally tell your mom that you prank called Dave Wrusso from third period at Cassie Bridges' slumber party last week!