Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Life's Too Short

My cousin, Dixie, was in town keeping me company while Brad was away.  We did lots of fun things, but mostly we cooked and ate what we cooked and talked about what we were going to cook and eat next.  

Anyway, while all this cooking was going on we took turns being the chef (or chief) and sous chef (or Sioux Chief) depending on whose specialty we were concocting.  When I was chefing, I would ask her to bring me this spice or that spice from the pantry, and every time when we were done with it, she'd ask "So where does this one go?"

"In the spice rack," was always my answer, and she'd come back looking confused.  

After about three or four of these episodes I said, "Dixie, why do you keep asking me where they go?  They all go in the spice rack."

"I know," she said, "but where in the spice rack do they go?  I've been trying to remember where I got them, but there's no system."

Wha?  Wasn't my system obvious?




It had literally never dawned on me to organize my spice rack.  Why on Earth would anyone, unless they are an actual chef, need their spices organized?  

"Dixie, there is no system; just put them on the rack.  Life's too short."

This prompted me to think of other things I've decided I refuse to do or not do moving forward.  

This is not a list of things like "To go to bed mad" or "Not to say I love you" or "To worry about what other people think."  Yes, those are all valid things that life is to short for, but these are real, actual things that I feel either take away valuable time or valuable pleasure from my life.

So, for your approval:


Life's Too Short...

1. To organize your spice rack (unless you love organizing then knock yourself out)

2. Not to push the button 
There's a button on our refrigerator that says "Ice Plus" and has a little frost symbol by it.  For over a year I have thought about that button every time I've gotten ice, but I have not pushed it.  Maybe because I didn't know what it would do or I thought maybe I'd get in trouble (by whom?  Brad?  No.  I'm the boss of him.)  But yesterday, I pushed the button.  I still don't know what it does, but our ice seems a little shinier, and I'm so happy I pushed it!  

3. To find the manual
I realize that in situations such as the one above, I could probably find out somehow what The Button does, but I'm not going to do that.  A. I don't know where the manual is or if we even have it anymore and B. I'm satisfied that nothing bad happened with the ice and that I didn't get in trouble by anyone.  I will just continue to speculate and know that our ice is just a little better thanks to me.

4.  To eat bad cheese
Not like rotten cheese, no one should do that.  I'm talking about bad cheese.  Like American cheese.  I hate that the worst most processed cheese is called "American" cheese too.  Like it it the epitome of America and our values?  What?  No!  No, I say to you American cheese, I won't eat you.  In fact, in my mind you are Un-American cheese.

5. To eat at Chili's
Unless I am in a desperate situation, like I have no other way of eating food, Chili's is never, ever an option.  Just, no.  I've had enough battered chicken with soft corn on the cob that is exactly like all the other battered chicken and soft corn on the cob I've ever had there for a lifetime.  

6. To pair socks
Yes, there will always be one missing.  No, I will never find it.  So I just buy a bunch of the exact same socks, throw them all in a drawer and grab two when I need them.  Done. 

7. To ignore babies
I don't get it when people don't smile and play with cute babies in front of them at the grocery store.  There is a cute baby in front of you in a shopping cart looking at you with his/her cute little eyes.  LOOK back and him/her and smile!  There are only so many babies in the world, and one of them is looking at you!  Play with the kid for two seconds. 

8. To make the bed
Unless I know for sure someone is coming to my house, I do not make the bed.  Pretty much ever.  Why?  I'm just going to throw those pillows on the floor again in about 15 hours and start the whole process over.  If someone happens to drop by, they just don't go in our room.  Or if they do, they're a dear friend or a paramedic, neither of whom will care that the bed is unmade.

9.  To listen to Top 40
At one point in American history, I believe Top 40 was pretty good (Elvis and The Beatles come to mind), but I'm sorry, music is in a terrible state.  Everything is synthesized and auto-tuned, and frankly just sucks.  Even if it doesn't suck, it gets played 10 times an hour and then you end up hating it in about a week.  Plus, now it's not like we need the radio to tell us what music we like.  There is a whole world of musical experiences thanks to iTunes, YouTube, Satellite Radio and the interwebs.  Therefore, Top 40 no longer has a place in my life- and I officially don't know what the kids are listening to these days.

I wish I could come up with one more so that there would be 10, but apparently, everything else in my life is necessary, so I'll stop there before I get frustrated.  Because hey...

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Monsters aren't real...unless your father is out of town.

Brad's out of town.  On the one hand this is good because I have not had to suffocate him with my pillow to stop his snoring.  So, I'm sleeping better.  On the other hand, falling asleep is much harder due  to all the monsters and ghosts that have shown up since he left.

I'm still pretty sure that the upstairs guest bedroom is haunted despite having had a few house guests recently who did not feel any hauntingness.  However, now it's not just the guest room; it's the whole house.  Starting at about 10:00 PM.

Every night I tell myself that there is nothing to be afraid of in my house.  To prove this, I force myself to walk into every room, even the haunted ones, and do a little spin around and check all the closets for Evil Beings.  So far, none have appeared.

Pippy's husband asked me what I would do if I did find something in one of the rooms (I picture it being a Gollum looking creature, hunched in the middle of the floor licking its sharp little fingers...and then it would hiss at me).  

This is exactly what I would do:

I would slam the door and immediately start saying a prayer out loud to scare it and let it know that I have Jesus in my heart.  I would then run down the stairs and let the dogs out of their room (nothing haunting happens until the dogs go to bed), and the three of us would run out the front door and over to a neighbor's house.

Screw the cats, they're too hard to wrangle and Evil Beings would probably leave them alone any way.  Especially Itsy because she's so mean.

Anyway, once at the neighbor's we'd call a priest or preacher or rabbi or whomever we could find at that hour- and also the police- and then they'd come to my house and get rid of the Being.  I would then stay at a very nice hotel (because I deserve it after what I've been through) with the dogs (and cats if there was time) until Brad got home.  Then we'd sell our house and move far, far away.

I know.  That's crazy!  I can't run- I'm way too pregnant!  I'd have to waddle quickly.

Sigh.  

I tell myself that when the baby comes I've got to stop this and be a real grown up.  I can't be scared of things- I'm the MOM!  The Mom isn't scared of anything, she's the one who tells the kid that there is no such thing as monsters (or Evil Beings, ghosts, vampires, weird gray mists that waft under doors, shadows of trees that turn into werewolves who lurk outside your bedroom window, etc.).  None of those are real.  Don't be afraid of them.

What I should be afraid of are murders, rapists and robbers.  Those guys are real.  They are people I should actually be protecting my child against.  But I could just shoot them.  The undead are unshootable.  

Ugh!  I've got to get it together, I know!  There's not a lot of time left to be a crazy person who believes in these things.    Maybe when the baby's born I'll just automatically stop this and be like a mother lion protecting her cub.  Demons beware!  Vampires, go away!  Banshees be banished (and no, that was not just for alliteration, I am actually really afraid of banshees)!  The lioness is on the prowl!

Or maybe Brad can just take fewer trips and I can drink wine to calm my nerves again.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Music in My Heart...is kind of bad

Everyone gets songs stuck in their head.  Well, I'm assuming that.  Maybe really smart, disciplined people don't get songs stuck in there head; maybe they will them out.  Or maybe they get a Bach concerto stuck in their head.  I get terrible songs by Pink and Bruno Mars stuck in my head.

It's not just that though, I recently realized that I pretty much have a running soundtrack in my head throughout the day depending on what I'm doing.

For example, if I mail a letter, I then have "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart stuck in my head, except I've changed the words to "Forever Stamp" because it works perfectly:  "Forever Stamp, Forever Stamp, Foooor-eeeee-ver Staaaaamp."

I bought Brad a book about being a dad called "Be Prepared," (which he has not read and which has not helped him prepare in any way), and every time I see it, I sing "Be Prepared" from Disney's "The Lion King."  You know the one- Scar sings it: 


"Be prepared for sensational news!  A shining new era is tiptoeing nearer." (Hyena, played by Whoopi Goldberg) "But where do we feature?" (Scar) "Just listen to teacher!  I know it sounds sorted but you'll be rewarded when at last I'm given my dues!"  

All that was from memory.  I did not Google any of that.

Pippy said that she does this sometimes too.  In the morning she sings a song about the days of the week that changes depending on the day it is:  "Today is Tuesday, today is Tuesday.  Tuesday wash day, Monday sooooup are you hungry brother? We wish the same to you!"  It is a terrible, nonsensical song from camp, and I can never remember what happens on what day.  I do not sing this song in the morning.


When I wake up, I sing the theme song to the 90's cartoon "Winnie the Pooh" that goes "Gotta get up, gotta get go'n, gonna meet a friend of mine!  He's round and he's fuzzy, I love him because he is POOH BEAR, WINNIE THE POOH BEAR!"  

I sing the whole thing, even the scary part about "when we're alone and there's nobody home, it's nice to be able to count on a friend, like POOH BEAR!"  Yes, that is in my head six days a week.

Only on Monday does it change to my Monday song, "Manic Monday", by The Bangles.  Which, let's just talk about this song for one second.  

So, she's obviously in this relationship with a deadbeat boyfriend who does not care for her wellbeing.  Why isn't he working?  Why does he only want to get down on Sunday night?  He could at least be supportive of her career if he's not going to work, especially when she has to work to feed the both of them and employment's down.  He should know that she just wants to watch TV, go to bed early and be depressed like everyone else on Sunday evenings.

I digress.

There are also songs for various situations involving the animals:
-"Stay, American Puppy" by Dave Matthews Band
-"If you are a kitty and your name is Saber, come on and give a meow" based loosely on the Rod Stewart song, "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?"  
-"Leave it, leave it- drop that ball Molly leave it!" of course by the incomparable Michael Jackson.

I know.  It's weird.  Does anyone else experience this?  Maybe I don't have enough to think about so I have to fill the void with meaningless song.  Or maybe I have too much to think about and this is an avoidance tactic.  

Either way, it's probably not a big deal.  Maybe I should just "try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you...oooo!"  (JCSS, 1973.  Obviously.)